tears that fall from eyes...

There was a yesterday. There were tears, there was pain. There was laughter and there was joy.

Now, yesterday is gone. I am here. This moment - this very moment is truth.

I am feeling a bit uneasy.
Life has a purpose. But I seem to be split into two. One half 'wants' to do something, but the other half tells that its 'supposed' to be doing something else.

So, it is 3 in the night, and I am here putting a night out in office.
Working?
Yes, I was - till 12am. Then didnt feel like going back.
So, I'm here. Sitting, looking at the runway.. seeing the flights take off.

I have so much of ambition, that sometimes I feel stifled. I feel like I am wasting each and every minute of my existence, doing something totally unwanted.

I want to get into the IIMs. I know I belong right there. RIGHT THERE!!! And nowhere else.
Been there.. just there.. but missed it.
I am not going to give it up. There is a seat right there - only for me. Did you hear that? ONLY for me!!

Background is playing 'Tears' by Dream Theater. It is such a beautiful song. I want to play it on my guitar.
But I'm here. Sitting, thinking, sipping coffee.. looking outside the window.. waiting for the sun to rise.. and tell me - "Its another day! One day less to the day when you'll be out of Bangalore. For good!!"

The song, I say - is beautiful . Get it here - http://www.sendmefile.com/00418352

It is true. It is 'quite' something to cry for someone. To actually let tears fall from eyes.. roll down your cheeks.. and feel that pain..

Have I cried?
Yes. Many times. When tears come, you forget all logic. You are just 'one' with that feeling. That feeling of helplessness. And that feeling of immense anxiety.

When I was a child, I dont remember ever crying for toys/clothes/chocolates etc. I was never interested in those.
Yes, I remember crying for going to bday parties (which my parents were quite against).
I cried for marks. When I used to miss 1st rank in class by 2 marks. For me, those marks were nto important, but that feeling of losing to someone similar to me used to suck. Big Time.

When I grew up, I cried when I saw my own family members fight against each other for trivial issues like money/property. Ok, not trivial - may be it was a BIG deal for them.
I remember sobbing in a corner, with my Differential Calculus book, pretending to study.

I used to sit on my terrace in the night for hours - looking at the moon - thinking about how my uncles' and aunts' behaviour had changed towards me,who was their cute lil adorable niece - just coz they were at odds with my parents...

I also remember wailing for months, when I broke up with Bhaskar. Things never became better between us ever since that day, although we tried hard to become good friends...

After that, I have not been much bothered about things happening around, other than minor activities here and there that induce transient sadness.

A lot of people walked in and out of my life.. I have cried for some of them.. only to realise in the end, that it was all so fake.. and that I was surrendering to a happiness which was as abysmal as was the love they pretended to have for me...

I am content in my life now. I know what I want, where I want to go. I can distinguish between things that are worth it and those which are of no significance. I have someone like Kinshuk to spend my life with. I have my dreams.. Think I need nothing else..just nothing else...

backgrnd - 'Tears - Dream Theater"
/me -

Life's busy.
Busy and interesting.
Interesting and good.
I should be back shortly.

Amen.

bckgrnd - Euro trip - Scotty doesnt know! (I love it! :D)
/me -

The "He" who shall not be named! :D

Till about a month ago, my days in office were kinda doomed with no good looking guys around to letch at! sigh, I had accepted it. No, I really had!! :)
But ever since this new chap(the_he_who_shall_not_be_named) joined.. life was beginning to look rosy again! hehe..
He is kinda cute..and quiet.
I like quiet guys. :)

Actually for me its quite simple. Our dude doesnt really have to be some stud muffin.
If he is wearing a nice crisp kurta, its job half done! I slobber over guys who are in kurtas! sadly, there are not many of this variety! :D

I also find myself drooling over guys with long hair!! Long-hair-well-kept! :)
Dunno! I feel, opting to keep long hair - speaks chronicles of any guy's audacity and ability to do different stuff!! Its kinda cool! :) Really cool!

Ok, coming back to our he_who_shall_not_be_named in office.
He doesnt fall in any of the above categories.. btu still there is a kinda aura about him.. Very attractive.

So long, till I learnt last week, that he is engaged!!!
I was heartbroken! :D

So much was okay. But today I saw him koochi-kooing with some woman in the cafeteria!! This was too much, alright! hehe..

[At lunch today]

Hari - Sugz, eat your food.. whom are you looking for?

me- Yeah yeah.. trying to locate him.. (looking around).. ah!there!! right there he is!!

Hari(shrugging shoulders) - Hopeless!

Sajay - Hey! Your guy is with some woman! There..(pointing right).. did you see them?

me - Holy Christ!!!! yeah he indeed his!! good heavens, whats the world come to!:(

Kenneth - He is engaged Sugz,,now you got no hope left.

me (pouting) - he is engaged. not married still. *wink*

All - What!?!

me(after a deep breath) - Its no going to work out this way. We need to decide on a strategy. A well-planned plot.

Prakash - You dont even know him. We got to start things from scratch.

Sajay - Ah! To hell with your plots and schemes. I will scrap him on orkut and tell him that you are interested in him.

me - Duh! No way! Theres a charm in being 'subtle'. One doesnt do stupid on-the-face things like this.

Prakash(taking a bite) - By the time you finish completing your acts of subtlety his kids will start going to kindergarten..

Hari - I agree. (getting excited).. Its time to be quick! Let come up with some great idea to get to talk to him..trap him and then break off his committed status!!

Sajay(interrupting) - I have a feeling this woman with him is his fiancee, Look at the way they are talking.. (nodding his head) Infact I am sure!

Hari(ogling at her) - The girl looks good! hmm...(then turning to me). you know we guys dont mind letching at girls who are committed/married/divorced/single...whatever! Its just you girls..who have all these weird issues!! huh..

me(fondling with my spoon) - Hmm.. I still feel we should have a planned strategy. You know, Step 1, Step 2.. like that! :D

Kenneth(without looking up) - Ok.. So whats Step 1?

me - Well, Step 1 should be - that we "observe" him! We see, who he talks to, what time he comes, what time he goes.. *shrug*.. you know, those kinds!!

Kenneth - well! Why should "we" observe him? Lets do this - "You" observe him.. and "we' observe his girl! (winking at Hari).. What say ??!

Hahahahaha. Loud laughter!

Prakash - ok, jokes apart. He is also in PD. You are also in PD. Just go ask some doubt today.. and introduce yourself.

me(winking) - Hmm.. That sounds like a good idea. I can do that.

Kenneth - Actually, I guess he is quite a nerd. The first day when I met him at a game of TT, all he asked me was, if I were also in PD.

me - See!! There!! THERE!!! You should have said - "I am not in PD, but Sugandh is in PD" and happily introduced me to him! Now if you do so, it'll be all fishy!! sigh!
You betrayed me Kenneth!! That was such a golden chance!

Kenneth - Yeah right!! I dint know then, that you were interested in him!

me- You never bothered to ask me if I was!

Kenneth - yeah right!! You expected me to go around asking people if they were interested in this dude.. and then count the no. of raised hands.. then tick mark the ones in PD team, and organised a "know-each-other-camp"!! ???

Hari - hahahahahaha.

me- shut up!

Prakash - Ok guys! Lets go now. I have a lot of work.

Sajay - Yeah. Lets go.

[/At lunch today]

Sigh! So my love story was dismissed even before it began!!

hehe.. :D

bckgrnd - "Sarina Paris - Look at us now'
/me -

armed to the teeth!! duh.

Whats up in life?! Hmm.. good question! :)

I thought of squandering some money.. So went to this Dentist yesterday.
At this pointa time, I'd like to mention, that I got the worst sort of dentition ever known to haev found in any human being! My front teeth are two long canines with pointed edges. The premolars are kinda skewed to a 45 degrees angle... and the molar teeth are asymmetrically arranged at irregular intervals.

Armed with such an abstruse pair of jaws, I entered the doc's chamber. I suddenly felt a lil excited,
(as usual! I have this knack of getting excited at just all the wrong moments of life!)
The door had a poster which said - "Leave your footwear and worries outside" . I smiled!

I had an appointment with him, so when I knocked, he looked into the register, and murmured - "Hmm.. Sugandh.."

I smiled again.

Suddenly I became aware of the 'incorrect business of 32' sitting inside my mouth.. and I quickly shut my mouth which was wide open by now, in my attempt to smile gracefully..

---
me - Hi!
Doc - Hi, This is Dr. Farhan. Come here, on this chair...Lets see whats up.

me(smiling in a meaningless fashion and in an attempt to start a conversation) - I have a complicated case for you doctor!!! haha.. :). (I was so sure that after he looks at my 'vicious circle', I was gonna be a legend in the annals of dental history! )
Doc(with absolutely no expression on his face, and a serious tone) - I like complicated cases. They are interesting.

me - hmm.
-------

Neways, after a series of inspectional activities and round of questions answers, he put something called as 'separators' and asked me to rest in peace.

I haev a feeling that this is going to be one of those things in life, which I have been initially excited about,, but have lost interest later!

But now, the thing is that I am going to be unable to eat properly for a couple of months.. I am thinking of signing a contract with Ganesh Fruit Juice Centre for Home delivery- 5 times a day :D

bckgrnd - "Jhalak dikhla ja!" - Himesh Reshammiya thingie..
/me -

my new house snaps :)

A few snaps - Here !!!

"Bitter" Sweet Symphony..er... "gourd"!! :D

halo halo halo!

After all the mayhem and rucus I finally dint get tix for Chennai for the weekend.. *sigh*
How I thought I'll have a good time meeting up with Sind, Vinod and Gnr.. but no!! do the transportation services like seeing me happy? they dont! huh..

After numerous "you-hate-me-thats-why-you-made-bittergourd-for-dinner" episodes with Shalini, I finally found someone who likes bittergourd and eats it too!! :)
[bckgrnd plays - I found my heaven right here with you,, Believe in me forever, I believe in youuuuuuuuu :) :)]

/me bows and thanks Sajay, for now I look at the bittergourd section in the grocery shop and dont look away!! :)
I made some today and bought it to office,,, he finished it in a matter of 5 minutes, even before the rest of the food came!! hahaha! i am kinda kicked about the entire bitter gourd deal! :D

There is an interesting fact, alright. That, all these so called 'relationships' formed on the internet are rather superficial.
Incongruous and 'foolish'(for want of a better word!)
I used to think otherwise, a while ago. But guess I had my way of learning it the hard way!
So long as you get to 'know' the person on the net,its fine.. But tending to believe that it is for real - is nothing but hogwash.
Sooner or later the fictional part of the so-called affection hits you in the face. And trust me, you end up feeling like a fool.
A fool.

I haev felt the difference.
So long as I knew Anshul on the net,I was so amazingly fond of him. When I met him, it was a different feeling! I could 'associate' myself with him..look at him, talk to him, walk with him.. eat with him...
Sounds funny.. but face-2-face communication is uncomparable to any other form of communication!! Its been what, some 5 years now. And now he is one of my so close friends; prolly closer than the ones I met in real life!

Or, well, lets say Laina. I barely knew her before I went with her to Wayanad! We had just exchanged a couple of mails and spoken on fone!! But the two days together, just did the magic! Now I simply love her for the kinda amazing person she is! ALways smiling.. always enthusiastic!

Or be it Suraj.. Knew him on net for a couple of months till I met him. And there was this 'connexion' then.I mean, he is no more a chat id or a mail id. But yeah.. I know him for real!!

But things with Abdul were not how they-should-have-been!
I was fantasizing.
I was wrong in my understanding of him. So bloody wrong!
And I so detest the very thought of the wasted time in that fictional relationship!!
Things seemed good while we had it. But I am sure, I'm better without it,,

..coz we never met...

Well,so long..

bckgrnd - "I live my life for you - Firehouse"
/me - +