tears that fall from eyes...

There was a yesterday. There were tears, there was pain. There was laughter and there was joy.

Now, yesterday is gone. I am here. This moment - this very moment is truth.

I am feeling a bit uneasy.
Life has a purpose. But I seem to be split into two. One half 'wants' to do something, but the other half tells that its 'supposed' to be doing something else.

So, it is 3 in the night, and I am here putting a night out in office.
Working?
Yes, I was - till 12am. Then didnt feel like going back.
So, I'm here. Sitting, looking at the runway.. seeing the flights take off.

I have so much of ambition, that sometimes I feel stifled. I feel like I am wasting each and every minute of my existence, doing something totally unwanted.

I want to get into the IIMs. I know I belong right there. RIGHT THERE!!! And nowhere else.
Been there.. just there.. but missed it.
I am not going to give it up. There is a seat right there - only for me. Did you hear that? ONLY for me!!

Background is playing 'Tears' by Dream Theater. It is such a beautiful song. I want to play it on my guitar.
But I'm here. Sitting, thinking, sipping coffee.. looking outside the window.. waiting for the sun to rise.. and tell me - "Its another day! One day less to the day when you'll be out of Bangalore. For good!!"

The song, I say - is beautiful . Get it here - http://www.sendmefile.com/00418352

It is true. It is 'quite' something to cry for someone. To actually let tears fall from eyes.. roll down your cheeks.. and feel that pain..

Have I cried?
Yes. Many times. When tears come, you forget all logic. You are just 'one' with that feeling. That feeling of helplessness. And that feeling of immense anxiety.

When I was a child, I dont remember ever crying for toys/clothes/chocolates etc. I was never interested in those.
Yes, I remember crying for going to bday parties (which my parents were quite against).
I cried for marks. When I used to miss 1st rank in class by 2 marks. For me, those marks were nto important, but that feeling of losing to someone similar to me used to suck. Big Time.

When I grew up, I cried when I saw my own family members fight against each other for trivial issues like money/property. Ok, not trivial - may be it was a BIG deal for them.
I remember sobbing in a corner, with my Differential Calculus book, pretending to study.

I used to sit on my terrace in the night for hours - looking at the moon - thinking about how my uncles' and aunts' behaviour had changed towards me,who was their cute lil adorable niece - just coz they were at odds with my parents...

I also remember wailing for months, when I broke up with Bhaskar. Things never became better between us ever since that day, although we tried hard to become good friends...

After that, I have not been much bothered about things happening around, other than minor activities here and there that induce transient sadness.

A lot of people walked in and out of my life.. I have cried for some of them.. only to realise in the end, that it was all so fake.. and that I was surrendering to a happiness which was as abysmal as was the love they pretended to have for me...

I am content in my life now. I know what I want, where I want to go. I can distinguish between things that are worth it and those which are of no significance. I have someone like Kinshuk to spend my life with. I have my dreams.. Think I need nothing else..just nothing else...

backgrnd - 'Tears - Dream Theater"
/me -