finally he called. 20 days! 20 full days.. seemed like ages. i decided to share my anger. he knew wat i meant. he kept laughing.. i felt weird..
no more words. no more discussions. coz i understand. and he too.

ahem.. work in office doesnt exist. or u can say that the enthusiasm to work doesnt exist. okie.. lemme see wat i did today...

• i sourced new_pks.tcl file in the PKS thing..(physical knowledge synthesis)
  
• drank coffee
  
• i analysed all the reports that were generated.
  
• drank coffee
  
• i changed the target slack in the tcl script to 0.1 and observed the changes.
  
• mailed rajiv..( he wrote such a sweet + sentimental mail in the morning! i was touched,.. and i wondered, yet again.. that y do i hv to behave unreasonably at times!)
  
• mailed roopa!! (she is a sweetheart..:))
  
• bugged prat(fellow IBMer) abt a coupla doubts.. and discovered grt things abt timing analysis for ASICs.
  
• mailed rik boy. spoke to him on fone too...
  
• read a pdf /afs/blr/tools/.... blah blah..../cadence/synthesis/syn1.pdf - utterly amusing!!
  
• chatted with sind and anadi..on YM.
  
• orkutted.. particularly 'chennai rulezz' community has a funky game - so played it for a while..
  
• drank coffee..
  

oh yeah. i kept playing 'nothing else matters' and 'the unforgiven' and 'sad but true' and 'until it sleeps' in this order.. repeatedyl!!!

metallica is good for bored souls!! :-)) . (suggestion noted??)

lipi has come back from States.. she called today.. it was great talking to her! she is a darling.. :)

i received a parcel from home.. they hv sent me a nice crisp white salwar.. from the material i bought from ashram! i hvnt been able to see it.. coz in office now.. plus my cutie parents sent a nice grey leather wallet each.. for shalini and me.. with our names printed on it! my mum wud hv done that funky printing!! good good!

shal has not been around ever since we have shifted in our new house.. i am missing her. been 2 days since we sat together n discussed how to decorate the house.. u know it became like a regular topic of discussion! we are both very excited to explore new ways of interior decoration!!

today for lunch.. saurabha and rachita and me went down to my house.. and I cooked lunch for them.. made dal, rice, sprouted beans...and curd.. it was nice...

these guys hv come up with a suggestion that i shud cook everyday for them.. in the morning before i come to office....

i hv an alternative career :-)

this reminds me.. that i hv to make a recipe book for kaps! shit i miss talking to him. really..

that stupid teng id doesnt seem to work at all.. and i am perturbed where all my mails are going.

umm... i dont want to go home.. shal wont be there.. :((

i dont want to stay here as well.. i hate work. :(((

rikhil refused to do the AOL course.. i dont like it!! but he has his own judgement and i shudnt be complaining.. but then i feel.. that he must do it. ok.. chuck it.

its been 3 months since i last spoke to nitin. i miss him at times. and feel like doubting my decision. my mind is very funny okie.. it says different things at different times!! i dont feel like trusting it anymore! may be , i wont remember him again. a decision is a decision. :( . let me try and be indifferent to every thought , every idea... every feeling.

umm.. its going to be 8 now. i must get going. wil go and cook some nice thing for shal! :)

alu paratha!! she will love it!!

:-)

cya later sugz...!

some things cant be undone...

truly..
sometimes our own inabilities bog us down.. paralyze us so much.. that we are unable to think straight.

i wasnt able to go for bhavya's marriage. i know how much however i try to justify myself, i cannot ever undo this. i just wasnt in a situation to go!! the kanpur trip followed by the pilani trip blocked all my chances to be even 'thinking' abt a few more leaves at IBM.. plus i was so much scrapped of cash.. that i cudnt even have imagined flying over to kanpur , to attend his wedding.

bhavya is one of those very few people who are very significant to me.. we have been companions for so long now. in school.. in coaching.. in bangalore...we have seen each other go through the ups and downs of life.. we have been together during all the major events.. bhavya was the only one who gave me strength to survive the blow when abhishek passed away..
he is always by my side whenever i need him.. and also when i think i dont need him..

words stand incompetent for the first time.. to abridge wat he means to me.
even until the last moment, i strived to somehow manage and go to kanpur.. but i just cudnt.. i have never felt so appalling before.. that feeling of 'inability' just sucks!!

he has come back from kanpur today. and i cudnt gather enuf courage to give him a call..
is he the same guy.. whom i never hesitated to give a call even at 3 in the night just to help me out with something really silly!!!
is he the same guy who was more happy than me when i got admission in BITS? .. and instead of taking a treat from 'me', took me all over kanpur and treated me.. only coz he was happier!!
is he the same guy.. who wud call up just to tell : "sugandh, u are really a true friend.." and then hang up..?
is he the same guy, with whom i drank my first sip of alcohol... spilled the stuff all over his car.... and when he came to drop me back home.. he involved my mum in a convo, so that she doesnt notice my tumbling steps before i get into my room...

yes.. he is the same guy.. with whom i have shared so much.. who knows abt my dreams.. who is aware of my ambition.. and never wavers to point out my mistakes too!
i have learnt so much from him... that i have no words to delimit it.

.. and today when i called him.. i felt like crying.. i wasnt at peace. i was guilty. i felt terrible.
something was just not right.
neha( his significant other :)) picked up the fone.. he was driving at that time and cudnt recieve the call..
she told me , that how she was teasing bhavya that "look.. ur best friend dint come.. she dint call too".. and bhavya replied " so wat.. she must have been busy"...

i know he understands. but i cant help but feel awful.
its not very difficult for me to be able to handle my feelings all the time.. but this time..its just different. i am incompetent to be able to interpret , the way my heart functions.

my emotions are betraying me. i am feeling bad.
i am sorry bhavya..

Just Another day!

Today morning, I woke up like a queen at 9:00..(ah well.. do queens get outta bed at all?!)..put on loud music… and went for bath..
U know , that’s one good thing. By the time I wake up, every one has left.. I mean. Shalini, runjhun and sanchita.. and that’s y I can have a leisurely time and jump around the whole place.. lucky eh..?!
I took a quick look at the newspaper.. um… no! nothing interesting enuf to catch my attention.. I realise TOI is a useless paper.. It looks more like a pamphlet full of ads!
Then got ready.. and left the place by 9:40..

Then , the usual nice walk down to the bus stand.. I simply love that walk down the Raheja residency lane.. Bangalore Traffic Police has changed the path yet again of all the buses coming thru madivala n going to ring road.. they now will come via the 3rd block…
Cool..! they keep trying these funky ways, to make sure traffik congestion doesn’t make bangaloreans flee elsewhere..

As soon as I reached the Stop.. I saw one blue-white object on my right ,rushing towards me.. with full speed..(eh.. velocity?). swaying in once left.. then right... and then maintaining the rhythm.. and making an ultrasonic sound..which ofcourse i cudnt hear...;).. With a mass of around 9 tonnes.. this heavy object was madly hastening towards me to embrace me.. and I knew I would, too...
after all.. it was my fav bus 205. :-)
as soon as it stopped.. I jumped into it.. The conductor gave me familiar smile.. but he was too busy to have a consistent one..so he just flashed it.. and i smiled too..:-)
Now this 'conductor of 205' is my friend. our friendship transcends all barriers..of age, religion.. caste.. regions.. and nature of work..we have both matured in this relationship.. and learnt good things about each other :D
He once even let me travel without ticket.. coz i dint have change... he refused to take it the other day too.. saying 'parva-ille'.. (which means, 'doesnt matter' in tamil..)

anyways.. so the bus was as usual crowded.. i stood there..(oh yes.. u are lucky if u get a place to sit!) ... people hitting u... steeping on ur foot, using their elbows with maximum force to make it hit like one sword . right in ur nose! there was this woman standing right infront of me.. who, in her attempt to put some nice flowers in her hair.. had ended up putting the entire garden of chameli flowers.. they smell good, agree! but so many???. i cud barely see her hair beneath that bouquet! :D.. and she made sure, that the flowers were rightly directed to touch my nose..
(hmm. if u are wondering, wat i am talking.. then please know, that in the mornings and evenings, when bangalore buses are max crowded,,, people just stick to each other.. and u have no space to breathe! infact.. these are the times, when i have ended up doing an exact calculation, that how much space my one leg takes.. and my one hand...both in folded and straight postures.. and that , will i occupy more space if i look towards my left.. or if i kept my head straight! :))

hmm. so , the bus takes on to the ring road.. and suddenly the hustle- bustle stops.. people are quiet..(theres no bus stop on the 4 km long ring road..) they are just still.. no one is talking.. they just want to get down fast.. they are trying , not to move even 1 mm, coz that cud perturb their 'comfortable positions' (for want of a better word!)

i start humming the title track of SWADES to myself.. Oh! how i love that song! when i first heard it... i was almost in tears.. and AR Rehman just rox! the conductor whistled from the rear door.. and i, passed 4 rs thru various ppl.. and he passed me the ticket thru the same channel... (there werent any routers/amplifiers on the way.. and the signal had minimum attenuation!)

we reached domlur signal.. i jumped out of the bus.. tried to find the conductor for "ok.. am leaving.. se u tomorrow..".. but i cudnt see him.. :-(
anyways.. i crossed the road, to take another bus to Manipal hospital(thats next to my office).. and i was just getting inside.. someone yelled form behind.."sugandh!!".. i turned. and a very familiar face was standing right behind me..

whos this?!

suddenly AR Rehman stopped singing..

oh!! this is prit! ( pritish works with me in IBM.. and is also from BITS)...
so prit boy also jumps in with me. and we get to our office chatting.. and wondering, wat to do when we get there.. how to pass time and all..:))

I get down before him.. coz I have to go to the postoffice to send off a registered letter to sheena (she is shalini's friend.. and her bday is approaching..so shal is sending her some gifts and all...and since there is no postoffice around her office, i am the postwoman :D)

The woman at the counter was foolish to the power infinity! ( i guess all women are!)
while noting the address , she said( in a typical tamil accent..) " oh madam... u have written the pincode incorrect... its only 5 digits.."
oh god!!
but i tried to smile .. and corrected her...that since it was an international letter.. the pincode wubbe 5 digits,,
she was embarassed... but decided, not to give away so easily..and asked me ," so which country u think, florida is in?"

eh?
i said " i THINK its in America".:-)
she seemed content.

there were two girls (age.. between 21-24) standing in the queue with me, they wanted to send some speed post.. they looked very modern,, and fashion conscious.. kept twirling their fingers in the hair.. to make sure that they were in place..

First Girl : Heyyyy! Do u remember the black pants with embroidery, ishita was wearing yesterday?! they were soo cool.. eeee..!! (she shut her eyes tight. to imagine yet again.. as to how sexy they looked! )

Second Girl : Ohh yaaaa!! they were damn hot! but u know, she already had one black pair of pants..i dont know why she took these again!

First Girl : ya.. idont know...(suddenly feeling bad abt ishita being a spend thrift!)

Second Girl : But I liked her haircut.. she looked sooo nice in that! no?? (she seemed to seek consent of her friend.. and was sceptical abt her own judgement abt the hairstyle!)

First Girl : Ohh.. very true! U Know.. in the beginning, it was a shock! but slowly , when we saw her everyday.. her look just sank in..! she sure looks cute in it!
Then she gave a jhatka to her own hair.. and tried to curl them in a loop..anticlockwise direction.. (for maximum flux, i believe ) .. and tried to make the second girl say.." hey ur hair looks nice too! "
but nothing like that happened. and she gave up the activity of twist and turn aftre sometime!

by this time, their turn came.. and they went off..
i too finished my work.. and headed back.

i came out..
hmm, fone rings!whos calling?
anshul!
ohh... ! he is going to kill me! i hadnt called him back,even when i saw his missed calls some 3 times.. and dint even reply to his 2 smses..
:-(

i pik up.

Me : hello..! hi anshul! how u doing? hey wats this behaviour?! u never call me.. and never mesg me.. havent been in touch for so long?! i am very unhappy with u...and even when u call, u just give a missed call.. ofcourse u know, i dont hv enuf money on my cell..! ooann... oaann...;-)

Anshul : (a lil confuzed.. and stressed to hear me sad,,,)
oh!! i am sorry sugandh.. i thought u got my messages... this airtel na..! its service is degrading day by day!
anyways.. how u doing?.. send me the snap we took in delhi..i am making a collage of all my friends' pix... etc etc..
i reach the lift.. and i tell him that i will talk to him later.

we hung up. and he kept feeling guilty abt not being in tuch..

Rule no. 1 : When u know, u cant defend urself - ATTACK! :-)

(btw, anshul is this friend of mine.. he works in Zee News.. and stays on Delhi. met him on the net some 3 yrs back.. and hv met him thrice.. nice chap!)

i reach the 5th floor.. enter the office..
i meet my guide right there. he is waiting for me.
Guide: "hello sugandh! good morning :-)"
Me : (smiling) Hey Charu! Good morning! "

Charu : We begin Einsteimer after lunch? (Einsteimer is the IBM tool for Physical Design of ASICs)
Me : Sure! I will give u a call when i am ready.

Charu: Okay! (smiles)
Charu : how did the deal of the house go? all set?
Me : oh ya.. it went all fyne. we will sign the agreement today.
Charu : oh! cool.. so whens the party!??
Me : When i get my stipend for february..
owwkay.. cya aftre lunch!

Me..have to pass time till lunch now.

and i think i have done it! :-)

Knowledge Is Power Supreme!

I am missing BITS a lot. Ever since I have come back from Pilani, I am literally having dreams about the place..
Am missing it sooo much..:-(
I have been sitting on its website all day today...
http://www.bits-pilani.ac.in
browsing through all the links...
Am going crazy..
No work at office too.. and I am very irritated about it.

Mom told me shocking news on the fone.And I cant hwlp , but think about it .
I am not prepared for all this shit!
And I feel like throwing this fone of mine somewhere. It doesnt let one live. No privacy. Full time availability to all and sundry!
I am just too irritated right now.